29 days ago, my entire world change FOREVER…..i was hoping that I wouldn’t have met life’s distant cousin, death, so soon….i wasn’t prepared to meet him at least for another few years but he decided to make his presence known in my life on labor day…..the first man i ever LOVED, one of my best friends, one of the main people i confided in and who understood me better than others who was also one of my parents, my Daddy, transitioned on the 3rd of September of this year…..ever since he transitioned, I had a period of mute denial, a period of unanswered questions, a feeling of promises not being met, and figuring out what my next move was…..
i was the youngest of my father’s children and the youngest girl….my feelings and sentiments might be different from my siblings….when I think about my childhood, it was great although my parents separated when I was 2 and divorced when I was 6….my daddy and I had a rocky relationship when I was younger and I thank my mother for making it a point to get us equally involved when I was younger and it is something I will always value and treasure until I grow older. When I started getting more competitive in sports, he was excited because he was ecstatic to have one of his children, yet alone his daughter play sports. I started playing basketball and softball at the age of 6 and he got right involved and jumped into support and coach mode already. From coaching either teams, making me work harder with practices and such, I knew my dad enjoyed it.
i LOVED watching him coach. it was truly a joy and passionate thing to see. he always made it a point to have his terrible fowl, his stool and his clipboard to make sure he was prepared for game day. I remember when I got to high school, he pretty much made every game despite his on coaching schedule between him coaching at colleges and on the high school level but I was always excited to see him there and also to meet people he knew. As time progressed, I got to understand more of his art and also the relationship he had with his coaches, players and staff and it was evident that he was loved.
i was shocked when he finally retired and left the game. his health start taking turns for issues in 2006 and he was making progress to getting better but than again in 2010-2011 it was always back and forth….back and forth with him….i thought he was gonna pull through and make it through….our last conversation while I was in my hometown of Bmore a few weeks when he died was a special one that I will treasure for the rest of my life….I held his hand and he asked me questions….despite his stroke he was not that talkative but that day he was a chatter box…..I appreciated spending those hours with him….I remember how he looked and I will never forget his last words to me….”I Love You Kris”….had I known that would have been our last conversation I would have discussed more but GOD doesn’t make any mistakes and we did speak a lot during that day and time.
when I got the call when he passed, the hospital acted like I knew when I didn’t…I kept my composure although tears were streaming down my face and my heart was beating fast and I wanted to scream….I couldn’t get myself together for a few minutes…..those first few days emotionally were rough for me…I don’t remember doing anything but waking up and crying all day every day and it was a weird energy in the air….I didn’t want to be social and I was selective of who I wanted to speak too…..the viewing and the funeral and everything happened so fast I did not have a time to process it….i appreciate the people who have been their since day one of everything because their support has been monumental…..to the other’s, just know if i’m distant, i feel like i have a good reason why considering i have always been there for others and this is the one season of my life where i THOUGHT people would be there for me but at the end of the day, people will be people and be selfish when it comes to them…..
it’s been 29 days since he has passed….yet i have so many things running through my brain lately….i’m receiving signs from the universe in regards to people who should be around and for people who I have opened the door for so they can walk out….i have also realized that I need to focus on my future and think about creating my family….i also am thinking about i wish my dad was here to walk me down the aisle or give me away and also to hold my kids in his arms….he had that experience with my siblings but i won’t be able to have that experience….i’m pondering about his foundation and his coaching legacy….also thinking about creating a home and actually having my own piece of heaven….so many things….i honestly feel like as much as I am there for other’s i haven’t gotten the same in return….it feels like a chip has been on my shoulder and because i believe in the law of attraction and the power of energy, i don’t want to attract nor project that energy so i’m trying to figure out a way to deal with the emotions and take care of things….unless you have lost a parent, than their is a fraction you can understand where I am but if you haven’t you honestly can’t relate….
my daily prayers is that the universe gives me peace and healing….also for them to give me comfort because i feel like it’s just me and the universe right now….i am totally looking at people differently…..because of how nice and good i am of a person yet i can’t get the same treatment but it’s ok because in the end i will be stronger….i feel like this is a journey that is self-made and i am only allowing people deserving to support me on this ride….everyone is not a friend….everyone is starting from the ground up instead of the people who have already been there….i am remember a lot of things that my Daddy told me about people and also the respect he commended and the courtesy he made sure he deserved.
i am working on getting his foundation together and some other projects but I have put somethings (some entrepreneurial and educational objects) on hold temporary until I give myself some well-needed time that I feel that I deserve. writing has always been a way for me to express myself and the same for him but I have learned so much during these last few months and also when he passed and beyond. I will continue to make him proud. what does the next chapter consist of? the only 3 persons or things that know that is the universe, myself and my new vision board. it will be interesting to see but i know my next chapter will be me taking risks, doing things I want to do for ME in my LIFE, and honoring my father’s memory.
so here is the NEXT CHAPTER….i can’t wait to write new pages in this new book.